Can you keep a secret? Do you want to be someone’s vault? The problem with asking someone if they can keep a secret before telling them the actual secret is that until they hear it, it’s likely very difficult to commit to holding the secret close.

Say, for example, one of your friends asks you if you can keep a secret and you say you will until you hear that the secret is that another friend’s husband was spotted holding hands with another woman. Is it okay then that you break your promise not to tell, knowing that you would want your friend to let you know if she saw your husband doing the same?

With this in mind, it may be a good idea to respond with “it depends” when asked if you can keep someone’s secret. Then, if the sharer decides not to proceed, that will be their choice.

Keeping a secret safe is sometimes okay. A secret surprise party is surely something that your guests would want to hold close to their chests, rather than spoiling the surprise. A couple may keep the secret of their pregnancy private until they feel ready to share it with friends and family.

But secrets can also be dangerous and damaging. A group of children whispering secrets about their classmate, can be extremely hurtful. As are secrets that some parents may ask their children to hold onto and not share with their other parent. I remember, as a child, my father asking me not to tell my mother something – I don’t remember what it was, but it likely had something to do with his spending habits. I felt very uncomfortable with this. I didn’t want to get my father into “trouble,” but I resented him for putting me in the position of withholding information or lying to my mother, with whom I was extremely close. I don’t remember what I did with the information but if I knew then what I know now, I would have told my father that it wasn’t fair for him to put me in that position and that while I wouldn’t deliberately tell my mother (because it would hurt her too), I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t, at some point in time.

Over the years, parents have consulted with me in regards to when and how to share a “secret” with their children. Some of the situations I have helped parents navigate include letting their child know that they are adopted. Other situations include letting children know that they were conceived by donor egg or sperm. Other situations include letting adult children or family members know about a criminal charge against a family member, kept “secret” until they were ready to reveal the truth about why the family member was being criminally charged.

There are so many factors to consider when bringing a secret into the open. When children may be impacted, one has to consider the age and temperament of the child. One also has to consider whether to share the news to a group of family members or children all at once, or whether to meet with each one on one, and furthermore, how to keep the secret a secret until all family members have been informed. It’s a delicate request when asking one child to hold the secret, even for a short while, until the parents have had a chance to meet with each of the siblings separately, for example.

Last year, I had the opportunity to be in the audience of a one man show titled Our Little Secret. Noam Tomaschoff, the writer and performer in the play was 31 years old when he wrote the musical after accidentally finding out that his father was not biologically related to him. Therapeutic as it was for Noam to write and perform in the show at the Toronto Fringe festival, and since then, internationally, his parents have had to come to terms with their secret being exposed.

I had the opportunity of speaking to Noam for my podcast Family Secrets. Noam confirmed what I have long believed and helped others to understand: that is, the importance of weaving the real-life story into the fabric of raising one’s child from as young an age as they are able to sit on your lap and to hear their story, maybe even written by you, alongside photographs. This way, there will be no big reveal later on, no big secret to share and no need to have to manage the emotions related to them having to redefine their life story and themselves.

Having said this, it is never too late to figure out a plan for sharing a secret that a family member or friend would benefit from knowing. There may be short term pain in hearing the truth about a spouse’s infidelity, for example, but the longer-term consequences of holding onto the secret may be far worse for both you and the person on the receiving end, than holding back until the secret worms its way out into the open.